THE KAI TAK CONVENTION

Information sheet.

It is understood that all Golf, Cricket, or was it Rugby, tour members fully understand, and strictly adhere to, the aforementioned Kai Tak Convention, hereinafter known as the “Convention”.

The tour organizers draw attention to the following important clauses taken directly from the above mention Convention. The Convention is the first, and only, convention to be unanimously passed by the United Nations Committee of Human Rights. Further, due to it’s very nature, it is the only unwritten convention ever to be passed by said committee. It is purely coincidentally that all members of said committee are male and that they, being in Bangkok at the time, were a long way from home.

1. No Photographs may be taken of any member of a tour, even of oneself, except by the official tour photographer. So to ensure tour members may return home to their wives, girlfriends and/or boyfriends, confident no evidence, contradictory to their account of any tour, is in existence.

2. No member may talk, brag, boast, and or write about anything that might, or might not, have happened during a tour, pursuant to and in exclusion of:

tour members being allowed to talk, brag, and/or boast to other members of a tour, providing always they are not within earshot of any other person who was not a participate in the act being discussed, bragged, and/or boasted, or was not on the tour, be they male or female.

3. If one, being inebriated, finds that one did not wear a condom and subsequently develops a ‘Cold’, one is to do the right thing and lie, to ones wife, girlfriend(s) and/or boyfriend(s) claiming “yeast infection”, subsequently seek medical attention, and inform all (surviving) members about the “Small Problem”. So to enable said members that may, as it is said, “to have been there” to seek same medical attention.

The Convention falls into a mandatory category of laws, similar to the Official Secrets Act, in that one is not required to sign the Convention for it to apply in full force and effect. If one is asked to sign, it is in acknowledgement of the Conventions existence only, to thereby remove any faint hope of using the excuse “What Fucking Convention”. However, the committee would like to stress, to all tour members, that contravention of any of the provisions of the Convention, carries far more serious consequences than the aforementioned Official Secrets Act. Punishment swiftly follows contravention and usually always involves ones balls. If further information, or clarification of wording, meaning, interpretation, intent, content, means of enforcement/compliance, or terms used in said Convention is required and/or necessary one should consult with, what is throughout the western world, the definitive reference for this outstanding constitutional enactment, one can contact the official tour committee.

Official Tour Advice

1. Never take advice from anybody, with the exception of the Kai Tak Convention and then only from an official tour committee source.

2. Never indulge in the act of horizontal refreshment without a condom even if you have formed a true and meaningful relationship, or have enough cash. If you really don’t want to get AIDS then two condoms are recommended with lots of Tabasco sauce between the two, if either condom breaks the Tabasco serves as a warning. If a female starts screaming DO NOT, at any time, be persuaded it is because you’re a stud, it is the Tabasco. Case in point, on tour, I was banging away like a Jack Hammer convinced my date was really aroused, and she subsequently sat up very suddenly. After we had finished, she apologised for jerking upright in the middle of my entertainment, saying she had reacted to a car door slamming and thought I had pissed of without paying.

For the avoidance of doubt, Children, AIDS, and herpes are all sexually transmitted diseases and are very difficult to get shot of.

3. Never indulge in horizontal refreshment if you suspect Smegma has been there before you even if you have two Chinese military issue condoms and a gallon bottle of Tabasco.

4. Never make a deposit at a pay-to-enter community sperm bank unless your transaction is properly packaged. Oral transactions are forbidden under the terms of the Convention, especially those involving withdrawal of another member’s deposit. Never indulge if you think she might have a “Small Problem”.

a) How can one tell she has a “Small Problem” you say. Quite simply, ask her to bring along a girlfriend “because you’re that kind of guy”. Once settled in, ask the friend to go down on your date, if the answer is “Fuck off! Do you think I’m crazy” then suspect there may be a problem. At this point one should indulge in the friend and inform the “problem” that payment is not an option. The chance the friend has a problem is, statistically, slim except if Smegma’s on the tour.

5. Never indulge in the act of horizontal refreshment with a member of ones own gender unless you’re a women, in which case, you shouldn’t be on the tour and the committee would like know who you are.

a) Again, how can one tell if it’s really a woman under the makeup, etc? Some of those ‘Cut-n-Tucks’ look jolly convincing, especially when one’s pissed. Use logic, first understand a young, good looking female doesn’t want to be with a drunken fart like yourself and will try anything to keep you drinking in the bar in the hope you collapse in a heap, whereupon all the nice ladies in the bar will steal as much of your money as they can before the police arrive. Pillow chewers, on the other hand, actively try to get you into bed on the assumption that next morning you will pay large sums NOT to be seen with it. By the way, said bar ladies don’t rip you off and humiliate you with malicious intent, they are only seeking to make you a rounded, well balanced individual by subjecting you to traumatic experiences. So, is it a case of pay the bar fine and hope for the best? No; one should take just one last drink of “light-n-bitter”, the light to make one fart and the bitter to make it stink. Let rip the loudest and longest fart possible without, of course, shitting yourself. Men usually find a loud fart entertaining whereas women pretend to be disgusted by such a course act and, usually, to hide their laughter, resort to violence. Therefore, if the thing you are with bursts out laughing, then ask him if he know of any good, cheap tarts. If, of course, one does shit oneself tarts are the least of your worries. By way of example, when follow-thru was experienced by a Vietnam tour member, the author had to get said member’s room key from reception whilst he stood in the lift lobby dribbling shit from the leg of his shorts. This very Kai Tak Convention prevents mentioning of his name, so one can see just how adherence to Convention has saved Skidmark from shame and humiliation!

6. On returning to loved ones, Never! Never! admit anything!!

a) Some down right nasty interrogation techniques are employed by wives and girlfriends on returning tour members. They try to extract information concerning going’s on during the tour, so as they can blab it all over town, beware especially the Filipino Mafia! Information gained is also used as an excuse to sulk, often for weeks, in the hope of bribes in the form of jewelry, perfume, etc, and of course, to make you look a complete cunt in front of your mates.

Interrogation techniques known to have been used:

a) “So and so had some photographs of tour member ‘X’ showing him with a lady”.

b) “Member ‘Y’ told his wife that you all did this and that”.

c) “Did you hear that tour member ‘Z’ has a problem down there?”

d) “You can tell me what he did, I can keep a secret ”.

And the classics:

e) “If you love me, you will tell me what they did”. Note the ‘they’ implying it did not involve you, one might be inclined to start talking because you are off the hook, don’t be fooled you are getting yourself deeper and deeper in.

f) “Look at this photograph of tour member ‘X’ with a lady”

Some cunt has really contravened the Kai Tak Convention with this one. Act casual, tell here that the photograph was taken during a tour that you just happened not to have been on. To try and help the poor sod that is probably going to get it, tell the old dragon “everybody has seen that one, it was posed to wind up his wife”, and you are surprised she hasn’t seen it before. Tell her that old news is no news and that you thought she was in the loop when it came to gossip. Inform her see will look stupid if she goes around showing all her friends this old snap. It might just work and get your mate off the hook. Then play the white man and telephone the poor sod in the picture, but don’t rush! ‘Some’ women are cunning and you might be unfortunate enough to have one of them living with you, she could be watching, and waiting for you to telephone as confirmation that the photo means trouble for all and sundry.

To counter almost all of the above there is one, and only one, official answer allowed for you to use. This is a direct quote taken from the Kai Tak Convention:

“I’M SORRY MY DEAR, DUE TO THE CONFIDENTIAL NATURE OF THE KAI TAK CONVENTION I CAN NOT, AND WILL NOT, COMMENT ON ANYTHING”.

“BOLLOCKS” has also been known to work. Please note, “BOLLOCKS” has never been known to work on girlfriends.

On returning home:

If you are ‘absolutely sure’ you are not bringing home a “Small Problem” then insist on bonking the wife or girlfriend as soon as you get through you front door, even if your balls are so empty and dry as to feel like the Gobi desert is hanging down about your knees. Tell her how totally boring male only company is, hopefully paving the way for the next tour, her secure in the knowledge you are not going to enjoy yourself. Confide in her that the tour has made you realize why you got married in the first place and that you love her (never fails).

From and on behalf of the office of the cultural attaché for the 1999

THE KAI TAK CONVENTION

On returning home:

Tour Committee.