ROYAL SOUTH SIDE

HASH HOUSE HARRIERS

RUN 1518, 19 June 2003
Lamma
Hare: Dangerman

"The following is a true record of events as narrated by Gentlemen of the Hash."

Five down, 47 to go. Humid, hazy, fragrant, dog-ridden, heavy on the mosquitoes weather was provided again by The Pope, who failed to turn up this week. Was it that he couldn't be bothered to make the trip to Lamma? Or did he have some inside information on the quality of Dangerman's run? Read on to see if you can guess:

The Run

A medium pack turned out for Dangerman's latest run on Lamma. C'mon boys - where were you? Dick the Shit, Dogbite, Weeble, Camel, Perfumed Poofter, Fat Man Wanks, Saddle, etc? Being out of town is no excuse. This bastard with a capital "B" only sets a run about once a year and you can't be bothered to show? Disgraceful: (Smart move, actually - Ed.)

With what appeared to be very simple, politically-correct run instructions from Dangerman: "35-40 minute run for FRB's, all kinds of terrain, be sure to take you n*gger beater, OOPS, I mean dog beater with you", we were off. Well, as it turned out, 80% of the pack was indeed, back in about 35 minutes but they sure as f*ck didn't do the whole run, (more on that later - Ed.).

"Cultural Sensitivity" - Dangerman style:

The pack sprinted away through the village, surprising the locals on the way. As we passed The Island Bar it was very tempting to simply skip the run and duck in for a few beers, but we managed to resist. Turns out that was a huge mistake. We were soon on-on to the first of many checks. Spiderman, Jackoff and Leak on Yew were out in front and pulling away when they realized it had been about 500 yds since the last mark. This was to be the theme for the whole run, but in this case it meant that they were off trail. Back to the check for a re-group. Coco and WH3 interloper Kiwi Sausage had sussed it and were miles ahead by this point, followed fitly by Hugh What? and breathlessly by Squeak.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A lefty up into the hills had us all checking several more times before reaching the top. The pack wasn't exactly being kept together but yours truly stumbled across Pugak and Dribble Dick on at least four different occasions. Jackoff and Red Mullet were "falsie-checking" way down a hill and basically decided "Awww, f*ck it. We've already been out 25 minutes and we know which way home is", (Wish I'd been with them - Ed.). Besides, Jackoff was afraid to go up the hill where all the mean old doggies were, so it was "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it's on-home we go", for them.

Up at the top Tinks and Coco had their n*gger OOPS, I mean DOG beating sticks with them, and boy did they need `em. This bloody island is virtually overrun with vicious canines.

(Note to Jackoff - Just think of all the bollocks you could chop off.) Tinks was overheard saying to Coco "Mine's bigger than yours". Rule six gentlemen, careful:

On down the hill and right back up another one again, we five real men (Idiots - Ed.) were the only one's left on trail, and one of us was Dribble (!). Eventually we began heading down toward the coast. Unfortunately the ferry pier was still bloody miles away, and markings at this point had deteriorated to a mark every 300-400 yds IF we were lucky. Dangerman later explained that in his day the Southside was telepathic and could simply "THINK" their way home. Well, times change Grandpa, more marks please.

The Pope's forecast for next Thursday:
"There will be a chance of showers":

The shards of the pack finally staggered into the on-home, back at "A" where we had begun this steaming pile. (Bag of Poo - Ed.) Sixty-five minutes for the FRB's. Neckies were abundant. Moose and Kiwi Sausage came lumbering in with Moose remaining darkly silent until he got a little wetter on the inside. Last in was appropriately, Ronnie, who apparently had stumbled onto a topless beach and asked one of the lovelies there how to get to the ferry pier. At least that's the story he told us, the real truth will be discovered:

Our fearless leader, Captain Etiquette, the man best known for his political correctness, that's right - Cheesy Foreskin himself, Smegma was bending over backwards patting Dangerman on the back for a job well done. A fine example of the Good Ole Boy's Network in action. All in all a good run foiled by the hare lying about it's length and setting crap markings. The meal at the end was delicious though. On-On to next year Dangerman. I'll bring my stick.

More Pick-Up Lines:

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille nametag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

The Circle

"Who's the marmalade tart that called circle?"

"Quiet Anus".

"He looks like a Tangerine Queen."

"Now, now Anus that's the HM."

Smegma starts.

Whippy - For not being handsome????????????

Dribble - Just remembered a T shirt for Tin Kau Bridge run 3years ago

Small Bone & Jack Off - Odd couple, Small Bone goes through Jack Off's washing and discovers a pair of his diminutive black panties.

Ronnie & Reggie - Not protecting HM from Flips, Indoes and Thais.

Anus - Newly married, thought he should more shags now.

Dangerman - Great run.

Whippy - Holier than thou, wears Halo.

Pugak - Ignoring 2 wizened old men Smegma & PK trying to chat his women up.

Dangerman - Great run.

Kiwi Sausage - Decides on localization, takes out Chinese sweetie (The cross eyed one).

Moose - Breaking into a trot down the hill.

Small Bone appears

Dangerman - DTS look a like.

Kiwi Sausage - 1st real run with Southside.

Dangerman - Dogbite look alike.

Jack Off - Frightened of local dogs, fears revenge for slicing Gillian.

Dangerman - Camel look alike.

Dangerman - PP look alike.

Pugak holds court

Dangerman - Something about a stick used in the Southern US.

Small Bone - Ran slowly and missed a conference call (Fucking Dangerman)??????

Spider - Taking orders from wife, going to Macao and missing rugby.

Leek on Yew - Time zone spots on face.

Anus - Observing HM looks like Worzel Gummidge.

Jack Off - Congratulates hare for keeping pack together (Hi Ho).

Smegma makes colourful return.

Mullet & Coco - For being good boys no reason for down down.

Kiwi Sausage - Guest follows Southside tradition and shags Nose Vibrator.

Small Bone - Neckie of the week, persecuting the hare.

U Watt - Thinking it was a crap run.

Coco - Next week's run Lok Fu promises not to finish on Breamar hill.

Dangerman - Somebody's look alike.

Breaking News

HM blames dodder.

In an unprecedented Machiavellian attack, HM blames the aged tour master of senility. The gnarled Neil sends out an old copy of Tittle Tattle in a vein attempt to capture the media headlines. Your scribes, ever vigilant, rushed into investigative mode.

It appears HM fearing a take over bid (as reported last week) from Saddle Sniffer, HM tries to cause confusion using an already roused PP. We phoned ET, he instantly recognized his name and several minutes later said "Hello, who do want to speak to?"

Thus proving his hearing is totally intact and he can still form questions. His viviparous assistant immediately snatched his wallet and then the phone and fielded further questions. When pressed PP said. "Thaw mans a fecking poof, wi hes Bill an Ben hat and machin orange breeks". Lets hope nasty gnarled Neil has learned, we're watching his every move.

Whippy bemoans incompetence.

As usual, Whippy gets the wrong end of something. (!) In a less sober moment Whippy hears only 20 caps have been produced. Trashing his flat and vowing never to hash again without a babysitter Whippy demands to know how this could happen. He was heard to drivel, "When I was a dinosaur and not the relic I am now we never made mistakes". We discover the truth. So you can sleep at night Whippy, knowing we are a popular hash, Camel produced 200 caps. Thus, your requirements for 3 caps can be met. Maybe 2 will suffice as Whippy Junior was found abandoned in the White Stag last Saturday by a nice Thai lady.

In a footnote to this news. Spiderman's wife loved the cap so much she mistakenly tossed him off the balcony and went to bed the cap. Spiderman has ordered a cap for himself. Lovable old Pugak kindly donated his to the New Popeye bar. Mullet gave his to a bald old bugger in a bar. Amazingly our American contingent still can't figure out which round these things go!!!!!!!! HM decided to wear his on top of his pooftas hat according to PP. Finally on this note, orders are coming in from over the world (Thailand actually). So don't delay get that extra little something for the one you cherish on a Saturday night.

Jack Off threatens to leave.

Small Bone was led away delirious from the Wanchai street party last Sunday evening by close confidents. On hearing the World-Shattering news that Jack Off will leave in 14 days. Apparently Small Bone's main concern is, who is going to fill all those little holes Jack Off kept digging around the house. Another pressing matter with regards to Gillian, will she leave her bones and pile of poo too, which she fondly leaves by the door? Small Bone, in a moment of euphoria suggested a party, we could have champagne and do man tossing in the absence of Jack Off. (We think he meant women should do this, still it could be an American thing. He was in a state of bliss. - Ed.).

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that the fifth one enjoys it?

Receding Hareline:

1519	26-Jun-03	*Coco/U Cn't**	Lok Fu MTR
1520	01-Jul-03	You Watt/Moose	Canada Day / Family Day Run
1521	03-Jul-03	Leak on You	Parkview
1522	10-Jul-03	Squeak/Dingaling	Sha Tin KCR
1523	17-Jul-03	Mr. Whippy	??

Disclaimer:

Your trusty scribes will gratefully accept any cash honorariums you'd care to honor us with. Keep in mind the power of the pen and always remember: We can be bought.

On-On you TWATS!,

Pugak & Small Bone